I don’t believe someone starts as ‘The One’ for us simply because we feel some kind of love at first sight…
This week on Love Bomb many of you asked about the difficulties of dating to find that special person. And I feel you – the struggle is real and I remember before meeting Jay hating going on bad dates and getting very stressed out by all the crazies one has to sift through! Before we discuss the logistics of how and where to meet potential romantic partners, I want you to get very clear about your own limiting beliefs and the most important trait you should be screening for on your dates. There are incredible people everywhere, and we only have to meet ONE that’s right for us. It’s not like winning the lottery – there are many chances to find someone we love and deeply connect with.
Ask yourself – are your own romantic expectations keeping you single?
Do you know how many times I ask my single girlfriends what they are looking for in a guy, and the first thing they say is “he must be above 6 feet tall” or “I’m not racist, but I am only attracted to white guys.” or “he has to make me laugh right away.”
These perceptions of attraction and dare I say narrow judgment blow my mind away!
You won’t see perfection as one of the stages to a successful relationship because perfection isn’t real. It’s not relatable, it’s not achievable, and it’s not what bonds us. Striving for perfection and looking for it in others will only imprison us and keep us from being able to experience the magic of what a real, messy, deep relationship can actually be.
Can you choose who you’re attracted to? Maybe not at first. But you can 100% choose to stop investing in people who DON’T reciprocate your feelings. Once you realize that dating someone who isn’t crazy about you is a turn-off, the game completely changes. So if he is 6 foot 5 and has rock hard abs but ghosts you half the time – PLEASE RUN!
Learning to look for the one behavior that is the game changer for dating will help you pursue healthier relationships, stop wasting time on fruitless situations with the wrong people, and start to enjoy being with someone who sees you as a goddess!
When Jay made it clear that he wanted to be more than friends, I admit I judged him based on my own insecurities and silly expectations before taking the leap of faith. I am an inch or two taller than Jay, and I first started worrying I wasn’t “small” enough or “cute” enough or … fully South Asian enough to be his girlfriend. On our first date I purposefully wore 4 inch high heels to see if Jay was confident enough to handle a talllll woman – because there was NO way I was giving up my thigh high boots and high heel collection for a man! I admit – it was a test to see if he would waver in confidence or exceed my expectations. I also kept waiting for him to compliment me, tell me I was beautiful…I kept expecting some grand poetic verbal affirmations because that was the romantic ideal I had in my head.
Jay did not bat an eye at the tests I threw his way, and with his usual confidence, grace, wit, intelligence and longest eyelashes I have ever seen, totally won my heart. Look for someone who compliments your personality and has strengths you love and flaws you can live with!
If I had been fixated on those two inches in height, or getting compliments, or dating a certain race, I would have missed out on the best human being in the world! Give people the benefit of the doubt and let them surprise you! I had to warm up to Jay and I’m so THANKFUL I did instead of writing him off.
Effort + Action, uncontaminated by transaction!
Actions speak louder than words! If you are a single, straight woman and your goal is finding lasting love and commitment, you need to look for the signs of wiser, sophisticated love while dating. These signs have roots in action; in the genuine, awkward and often uncomfortable pathway of wanting the best for someone, and being willing to do what it damn takes to back that idea up.
When Jay picked my favorite restaurants on our dates, when he graciously paid the bill for every meal, when he actively listened to stories, when he gave me his jacket to wear when it rained, when he picked me up and refused to let me drive…all of these actions were authentic signs of his willingness to truly SHOW UP.
Now I laugh at the fact that I was waiting for compliments! Although I get affirmations from Jay now, nothing seems as cheap as words when it comes to the guts of making real compromises and sacrifices for someone you love.
ACTION! If his feelings for you are real, his efforts will be the proof in the pudding. He will put in the effort to help you out in order to make your life easier, just because. Maybe he offers to pick up your dry cleaning, or get you groceries when sick. Jay drove 30 minutes to bring me brings you fresh squeezed orange juice when I had the flu once while we were dating…just because he wanted me to get better. That is effort in action! Effort demonstrates that he is not afraid to make a commitment to you and let you know exactly what he’s looking for.
Good judgement is SO important because it means you can count on this man to help you make good decisions. Yes, yes I know you want him to make you laugh, but when it comes down to facing challenges together (like buying a house, raising kids, investing well, and adulting in general) you want a man who will be balanced and think clearly about what needs to be done.
Jay has such good judgement it intimidates me sometimes lol, but I am so grateful because logic allows me to relax because I trust him to do the right thing.
How does he run his life? Does he do well in his own life? Does he handle work well, and take care of his business, pay his bills, make good choices? Is he wise about his money? Pay attention not to how much he sweet-talks you, but to how thoughtful he is about what he does in his life.
That is what we should truly be looking for in the micro behaviors as we sift through our potential partners.
Infatuation; love at first sight; instant connection, tall, dark and handsome…. these ideas, though fun, exhilarating, and often the opening gambit to the real thing, are not in themselves the real thing. They are an aspiring warm-up act.
A placeholder until the real thing arrives – more confident, understated, richer, deeper than its more proclaiming companion. SO if you are single today, please start asking yourself if you are overlooking treasure troves of human beings because you are blinded by limiting ideas of perfection and idealized expectation. The one isn’t found. Someone becomes the one because they prove themselves to be a committed long term builder.
You don’t find a great relationship, you BUILD one. But please shift your search from finding ‘The One’ to ‘Staying curious and open’. ‘The One’ is a relationship that is made, not found.
How tragic would it be if we let our ideal partner slip away before they ever got a chance to show us how perfect they are.
I want to hear from you –
What dating or relationship woes are you and how can I help you tackle those issues in the next Love Bomb?
DM me or comment below and sending you lots of joy and happiness!